MaggieMS

Hello, my name is Megan, I am 25 years old and I have been trying to conceive since 2006.

I never realized how difficult it was for some people to conceive until I went through the experience myself.

Everyone needs to understand the millions of emotions we go through during this process...before all the thoughtless comments are made.

Some days it feels like you may never be able to be a mother to your own flesh and blood. Other times there is hope.

I always had a regular AF since I was 13 years old. No problems. I was on BCP's for a little over 3 years. At that time, my cycles were just as regular as they could get.

I knew I was about to get married soon and I knew that we wanted to have children right away. So, I decided in July 2006 to stop the BCP because I heard it can take up to a year to get your cycles back on track.

I had one regular AF after I stopped the pill in July 2006 and then nothing until December of 2006 when I decided to go see my OB/GYN. He told me that I was annovulatory either due to my weight or cause of the BCP's or both and that I should try to shed some pounds. Well a week later AF arrived.

I had no AF after that until July 2007 after we got married, it just appeared again. Between December 2006 and July 2007 I had managed to lose about 30 lbs, so I credited my return of AF to that. And what could be better, we just got married! Perfect timing!

I continued to have a regular AF with no success of pregnancy. I thought great... I am finally regular (ranging from 30 - 34 days), but we aren't doing something right.

In December 2007 I had heard of OPK's.. so I bought my first set and tried that out. I realized we had been Baby Dancing about 5 days off from when I was ovulating. So I thought, "OH, thats why its not happening!". I kept getting what I thought was an LH surge... but by April 2008 still no success. I was frustrated by then, and decided to go see my OB/GYN for my yearly physical and to discuss my infertility.

It hadn't quite been a year since we had officially been TTC (my AF became normal in July 2007) but he gave me the option of starting Clomid. Which I am so thankful he didn't make me wait.

Then in April, I didn't get AF. So he did a CD21 progesterone level and the result was 0.7. He told me I wasn't ovulating. So, I took Provera to get AF to start. It finally started 5 days after I took my last pill. That was my sign that I could start the Clomid 50mgs CD 3 - 7. I had minor symptoms. Hot flashes, a few mood swings and some dizziness. Nothing horrible. The OPK's didn't work that month, so I was disappointed, but we BD'd every other day the week I assumed I was ovulating. Took my CD21 Progesterone and it was 7.2. Great news, it went up! But doc told me that I still didn't ovulate and that I was to up my dose of Clomid to 100mgs.

My AF arrived, with a previous cycle of exactly 28 days... so I was excited to know that I most likely would ovulate on CD 14. I started my second round of Clomid. We were getting tired of BDing every other day, so we decided to save it up for ovulation time and BD 3 days in a row! I took a CD21 progesterone level, which ended up being 7.4. My doc told me I still didn't ovulate. He wanted it to be above 10. I was called in my next round of Clomid 150mgs this time. I went and picked it up and was waiting on AF to arrive (That crazy 2WW!). I was having a strange feeling in my stomach when I ate, but just attributed it to the Clomid.

I pretty much had given up and was looking into my next options because my doc told me if the 3rd round of Clomid didn't work that I would have to be referred to a RE. I even called my insurance company to see what they would cover. It was CD28 and no AF. CD29 I had some light spotting and thought oh great, here she is. Another round!

But AF left that evening. And I had this feeling that maybe my doc was wrong and that this may be it! So I took a urine HCG test from work home with me and then went to Walmart and bought some HPTs. I told my DH that I would wait until I could get my FMU and take the test if AF didn't come back. He left to go to a friends house, and I sat at home alone and that is all I could think about! So I headed to the bathroom...

It was June 20th 2008 and I took a digital one from Walmart first and it actually said PREGNANT! I was in shock... I had been waiting for this moment for SO long. My heart was racing a mile a minute as I was sitting there. I called DH, he hadn't even made it to his friends house yet (still driving). He was SO excited. The next morning I took the one from the doctors office and it had 2 beautiful lines. I had seen so many 1 liners in the past few months that it was so good to finally see 2 :) I was planning on keeping it a secret but I couldn't help myself. I told everyone! I called my doc and we did an HCG on 18DPO and it was 454.9. At 20DPO it had quadrupled to 1797.8!

I was enjoying my first pregnancy. Very tired and some mild morning sickness but very worth it. Had my first ultrasound at 11 weeks, everything was wonderful, heartbeat at 160 and measuring to be due on Feb 23rd 2009. But I went in for my 16 week checkup on September 10th 2008 and he couldnt find a heartbeat. The baby had died at 14 weeks. There isn't a reason for my miscarriage. I had a D&C that Friday, which was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The doctor told me I could continue trying for another as soon as I was ready.

It is hard. There is no answer to the question why. There is no reason. I will forever miss that baby and forever wish he or she was in my arms. But I have to move on. I have to try again.

So here it is September 2008 and I am TTC for #2.